


When The Sun Rises

by AmberLynn88



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Child Death, Grief/Mourning, Heartbreak, M/M, Sad, Stillbirth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2015-11-13
Packaged: 2018-05-01 11:38:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 829
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5204417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmberLynn88/pseuds/AmberLynn88
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You came home to us today sweet boy, just not in the way we were expecting.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When The Sun Rises

You came home to us today sweet boy, just not in the way we were expecting. Finally having you close is comforting in ways we don't even understand. We've waited so long for you, our sweet little Pasha, that even though this isn't what we've imagined every time we thought about you, it still means something to us. People don't know what to say; they never have, and I hope they never have to learn. 

You have been wanted in such a deep, visceral way since we knew you were coming that your various uncles, and grandparents were a little worried that your papa and I would be too overbearing and controlling, but we weren't. We got to hear your heartbeat at every sonogram (it was always so strong, even at the end), feel your kicks (your papa was convinced that you were going to be a soccer player), and watch you move in your Auntie Taylor's belly. 

It was nearing the end of May (we'd made the conference finals and were hoping for a cup to take pictures of you in) when your Auntie Taylor said that something didn't feel right, that you were being "lazy" when you'd been so active up until that point. We called the doctor and he told us that even though it was probably nothing to worry about (your Auntie Taylor was 36 weeks along, and you were a big baby so you were running out of room) , to come on in and they would take a look. So we made an appointment for the following afternoon, and went about our day like everything was fine. When your Auntie Taylor and I went in for the appointment the following day (your papa had some team obligations and couldn't make it) we were still under the impression that nothing was wrong and we held on to that belief until the ultrasound tech couldn't find your heartbeat. When she couldn't find your heartbeat she tried to keep a straight face when she told us that she had to go get the doctor but I could see the fear and sadness in her eyes. That's when I knew that we had lost you before we even got to meet you. 

I called your papa and told him that he had to get to the hospital right away, and when he got there the doctor confirmed what I already knew, that you had died. We were given a few options on what to do at this point and none of them were better than the others. We could either wait for your Auntie Taylor to go into labor naturally, schedule an induction, or she could be induced that night. We chose to have her induced that night as we didn't want to prolong the inevitable. Once your Auntie Taylor was induced, the doctor allowed us to go home after admitting us so she could labor at home for as long as she wanted without us having to be around other people having healthy, happy babies. 

The doctor told us to think about if we wanted an autopsy or not and gave us a bit more information and things to think about before he let us leave. You were delivered about 20 hours later with a true knot in your cord. There was no need for an autopsy as the doctor said that this was definitely what had caused you to pass away. You were beautiful sweet boy, you had a head of dark hair, the Crosby eyes, and were long like your papa. 

Our hearts break every day when your papa and I think about all the things we will never get to experience with you, both the good and the bad. I don't think your papa or I ever thought we'd long for dirty diapers, sleepless nights, or spit up, but we do, because having those would also mean that we would have gotten to watch you experience the world around you, take your first steps, smile, or say your first words. I dream about the day we will get to see you again and be able to hold you in our arms and cry tears of joy and not of grief and anger. You are our baby Pasha, and you stole our hearts from the moment of your conception. 

The days are long, full of an indescribable emptiness. Our hearts feel empty without you in our arms. Your beautiful soul, although not ready to be here on earth, made us daddies. You now sit in a beautiful urn that we can look at whenever we want to but I feel you close to me and see you everywhere. I see you in the flowers in our backyard, the sun when it rises in the morning, and more than anything, in your papa when he sleeps beside me. 

You're home now, our sweet little Pasha, but the truth is, you never left. You've always been here.


End file.
